Well, after a crazy couple of days, I’ve decided to write again. The problem is, sometimes you have the motivation and nothing to say. Which is kind of funny, seeing as I’m a girl and there’s usually no shortage of things to say. Well, let’s see. I went to a youth leader’s seminar…I had some other leaders pray over me and I feel God leading me to write a hardcore devotional for girls, because all the devotionals I’ve managed to get my hands on are shallow, stupid, girly, shallow, unrealistic, and shallow. Usually a little too much about true love and popularity and not enough about temptation and real-life issues. I wanted something that would get girls’ heads out of the clouds and back into the Word. So I’ll have a lot of journal questions, scripture references, literary parallels, etc., including some slightly opinionated* advice from yours truly. So I’m excited about that…one of those things where you have to bite your lip to keep from screaming, “God is finally using me!” It’s a very lovely feeling, purpose, and now I kind of feel like the veil has been drawn back for a second and I can see the future…not “see” as in “know,” just as in being able to trust God and let go of the past. Again, it’s very lovely.
The best thing about my relationship with my mother is that what starts out as an arguement ends up as a comfortable conversation. So last night I stayed up just…talking with her…which is something I haven’t done with her in a while. I’m very worried about all the weird things that keep happening in my church, and one of my friends is affected very much by some insider information she has heard. This being said, I’m affected by her affectedness (?!) , and by the pressure I have from other people to give information that I do not have. It’s very weird how when I lie, people believe me (which is annoying because I’m trying to stop lying, and they only encourage me) and the times I do tell the truth, nobody believes me. Sometimes I wish there wasn’t such a thing as getting hurt and insulted…that way everyone could just be open with everyone, and even if people get mad at you, you wouldn’t be affected. I guess that’s the danger of a turtle shell, a cocoon, a hideout…you can get so adjusted to how comfortable that is it hurts even more when you finally get the courage to come out. And every time the world and the people in it scare you as soon as you come out, the further back you’ll crawl, the quieter you’ll become, until you realize: there is nobody left in your shell. You have become your shell, and there is nothing left.
On that cheery note, I think I’ll let you guys chew on that…otherwise, peace out.
*Scripturally opinionated, that is.
5 responses so far ↓
Jon // 24 April, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Haha, I feel exactly the same way you do when people ask me that stuff. That’s why I try to avoid any place that will associate me with sensitive information. As a result, everyone ignores me (or maybe its because I’m reclusive, introspective, and borderline insane….). Anyhoo, I’m not really affected by insults. Maybe I’m just to emotionless…idk. About the shell thing: meh. I don’t see people who avoid the world as mere shells of themselves, I just see them as cool people who just need to wait for the storm to blow over before coming out. Again, idk, I’m just really tired…..oh, and I love the new theme (I get the feeling that I’ve said that before…). I will stop rambling now.
Zann // 25 April, 2008 at 12:01 pm
You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could be as honest as you are! I mean, I love how you’re so blunt about what you feel. It’s so refreshing. As you know, I’ve always had this thing about letting people know my true feelings about something. And that makes people think I’m someone I’m not. Unlike my dear brother (see above : ) I do get affected by what people say to me. And even if I forget, it just makes me more and more self-conscious. (yeah, the entire shell thing) So, I guess we’ll creep out of our shells together! (like flowers, blooming in the spring….that was random…)
Soulvessel // 25 April, 2008 at 4:37 pm
no, no, i get it! thats totally rad zann, lezdooitt!!!
well, everyone’s different….i guess i generalize about the whole shell thing me so sorry to categorize when ’tis not my place.
Serfy // 25 April, 2008 at 9:40 pm
mm you put it so originally and freshly.
I think we all have a bit of the “shell” feeling in us, just to different degrees. No matter how emotionless you claim to be, one day you will be hurt by someone’s words and want to hide.
serfy // 27 April, 2008 at 7:34 pm
one thing to add that I thought of today: I get the shell feeling whenever I blog. After a post, I feel like quitting blogging because it’s like I put out a part of myself for everyone to see each time I post. And that really takes a lot of gumption, to share your heart with the world. Or really, any sort of writing is hard because it’s from the heart.