This is an excerpt for a book I’m writing. Hope you likee!
I reached up and touched the sword. I acted with a hesitance I did not feel or understand. I gripped it, growing in assurance, until I lifted the sword in front of me. My whole soul screamed to lash out, to run across the sky, to fight and win and kill and live, and still have space in myself enough to take on another hundred emotions just for the sake of it. I wanted to jump – my legs felt turned to jelly but I wanted to kick at something, to soar and never come back until, just maybe, after eternity had spent itself. I felt like exploding into very small pieces, just so I wouldn’t have to contain myself anymore – to spread myself out to soak in life, for if I stayed within myself I might never become…whoever I was supposed to be. Now there is this longing roar building up inside my throat, and what comes out is a beautiful song. It makes sense, this beauty from power. I scream; it is music. I fight; it becomes a dance. It is this essence, this transformation that makes me want to yell: “I AM WOMAN, FEAR ME!” And then I collapse on the ground – not in exhaustion or weakness – but finding utter satisfaction in my incapability, my unworthiness. I am reduced to nothing. I gain everything when I return to the dust I know I always was and will be. And in that, I am fulfilled.
4 responses so far ↓
Art // 17 April, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I like it- it’s just like poetry. i love the way you describe it all. (If you want me to explain exactly what i love about it in more depth, just ask)
Just a few questions:
1. you (your character) doesn’t seem very hesitant. why does she say she acted hesitantly?
2. I know you say you can’t find a word for her emotion- but it doesn’t really seem to me to be a natural response to collapse in satisfaction. I mean, anger/bravery/energy doesn’t usually precede satisfaction. am I just thinking too logically?
3. The last two sentences seem abrupt. What made you say that? it seems as if it was intended to give your paragraph a sense of completion. Maybe you could add another sentence to explain how her heart switches to an opposite feeling.
soulvessel // 17 April, 2008 at 5:53 pm
‘Tis the beauty of the excerpt, m’dear…and perhaps I should have said this is a dream my character is having, and not an actual event in the story.
Also, my character is…special…so energy does precede satisfaction. It’s what makes her special.
Jon // 24 April, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I love the fact that you’re writing this from the first person perspective. Too few novelists do that nowadays. I look forward to seeing more.
Zann // 25 April, 2008 at 11:50 am
I think this is great. Like Jon said, the first person perspective is a nice change, and I love the line, “And then I collapse on the ground – not in exhaustion or weakness – but finding utter satisfaction in my incapability, my unworthiness”. So awesome!