Hooboy.

Well, after a crazy couple of days, I’ve decided to write again. The problem is, sometimes you have the motivation and nothing to say. Which is kind of funny, seeing as I’m a girl and there’s usually no shortage of things to say. Well, let’s see. I went to a youth leader’s seminar…I had some other leaders pray over me and I feel God leading me to write a hardcore devotional for girls, because all the devotionals I’ve managed to get my hands on are shallow, stupid, girly, shallow, unrealistic, and shallow. Usually a little too much about true love and popularity and not enough about temptation and real-life issues. I wanted something that would get girls’ heads out of the clouds and back into the Word. So I’ll have a lot of journal questions, scripture references, literary parallels, etc., including some slightly opinionated* advice from yours truly. So I’m excited about that…one of those things where you have to bite your lip to keep from screaming, “God is finally using me!” It’s a very lovely feeling, purpose, and now I kind of feel like the veil has been drawn back for a second and I can see the future…not “see” as in “know,” just as in being able to trust God and let go of the past. Again, it’s very lovely.

The best thing about my relationship with my mother is that what starts out as an arguement ends up as a comfortable conversation. So last night I stayed up just…talking with her…which is something I haven’t done with her in a while. I’m very worried about all the weird things that keep happening in my church, and one of my friends is affected very much by some insider information she has heard. This being said, I’m affected by her affectedness (?!) , and by the pressure I have from other people to give information that I do not have. It’s very weird how when I lie, people believe me (which is annoying because I’m trying to stop lying, and they only encourage me) and the times I do tell the truth, nobody believes me. Sometimes I wish there wasn’t such a thing as getting hurt and insulted…that way everyone could just be open with everyone, and even if people get mad at you, you wouldn’t be affected. I guess that’s the danger of a turtle shell, a cocoon, a hideout…you can get so adjusted to how comfortable that is it hurts even more when you finally get the courage to come out. And every time the world and the people in it scare you as soon as you come out, the further back you’ll crawl, the quieter you’ll become, until you realize: there is nobody left in your shell. You have become your shell, and there is nothing left.

On that cheery note, I think I’ll let you guys chew on that…otherwise, peace out. 

*Scripturally opinionated, that is.

I can’t even find a word for this…

This is an excerpt for a book I’m writing. Hope you likee!

I reached up and touched the sword. I acted with a hesitance I did not feel or understand. I gripped it, growing in assurance, until I lifted the sword in front of me. My whole soul screamed to lash out, to run across the sky, to fight and win and kill and live, and still have space in myself enough to take on another hundred emotions just for the sake of it. I wanted to jump – my legs felt turned to jelly but I wanted to kick at something, to soar and never come back until, just maybe, after eternity had spent itself. I felt like exploding into very small pieces, just so I wouldn’t have to contain myself anymore – to spread myself out to soak in life, for if I stayed within myself I might never become…whoever I was supposed to be. Now there is this longing roar building up inside my throat, and what comes out is a beautiful song. It makes sense, this beauty from power. I scream; it is music. I fight; it becomes a dance. It is this essence, this transformation that makes me want to yell: “I AM WOMAN, FEAR ME!” And then I collapse on the ground – not in exhaustion or weakness – but finding utter satisfaction in my incapability, my unworthiness. I am reduced to nothing. I gain everything when I return to the dust I know I always was and will be. And in that, I am fulfilled.

We, The Last Ones

juuuust something that happened upon my french notes today. enjoy!

We are the last. We are the lonely. We who have always been and always will be. We wander this fallen world. We have forgotten.

We have chosen to forget:

There are shadows. But that is only because the light came first.

[This is job job, was our job, and will be our job til the end of the world. To sing truth and dispel myth. To praise.]

They are the lost. They are the only. They who will die and will always be dead. They wander this fallen world. [Purpose comes and goes.]

They have decided to forget:

There are shadows. But that is only because the light came first.

We are abandoning this song, the last song. We close our ears to the cries of the dying and sleep,

So we can make ourselves

forget, again.

*scratches head*

Due to extreme emotional…emotions, lack of inspiration, and lack of caring, I haven’t been on in a while. Sorry. …. Moving on.

Well, I had my first major crappy our-friendship-is-being-taken-to-a-whole-friggin-new-level moment. Well actually it was sort of two or three days that felt like a year. Thanks to one friend being open and the other misunderstanding completely, there was a lotta drama and even more emotions flying around like pigeons in WWI.* And then suddenly everything was OK. And so I’m kind of in this state of WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW! if that makes any sense. I mean we’re friends, maybe even better friends because of this, but I have the odd sensation of an empty chest….like I ripped out my heart and now that I can put it back in I’m not sure what to do. I mean I feel very changed…and idk. Just that ight when I was adjusting to everything being confusing, now that life sortofnotreally makes sense, I don’t know what to do with myself! Oh yeah. That’s where God comes in.

 *weirdest and most unsuitable metaphor i have, hands down, EVER come up with.