daring to disturb the universe

Entries from March 2008

Reflecting on the comforts of covers

24 March, 2008 · 1 Comment

When I was a little kid, covers were protection from monsters and other such evildoers (serial killers, ninjas, neighbor’s dogs…). It didn’t matter what was going on outside, because I had that rumpled assortment of sheets and quilts to hide under. They muffled scary noises and blocked out the trees’ eerie shadows against my window. It was a forcefield protecting me from the world, imagined or real.

When I was a little older, the covers became my hideout. My friends and I discussed everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) under there, the covers our only audience. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning reading Nancy Drew with my feeble spy flashlight. I took my CD player and sang along to the Newsboys. My covers weren’t protection then, there were shelter.

Now that I’m older, they’re both. But I don’t hide all the way underneath them. There aren’t any monsters [that I know of] out there. My iPod drowns out the weird noises. So I stick my head out to look at the stars. Although I purchase new covers every couple of years, they all seem the same to me, because they share the same mission: giving me what little protection they can offer.

It helps, even if it’s just a little.

Categories: Uncategorized

Snatches of a theme

24 March, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Listening to Jars of Clay always makes me think. [If anyone reading this knows anything about me, you probably know how hard the whole thinking thing is for moi.] The song, “Light Gives Heat” always fills me with a sense of…not-big-enough-ness. Like there’s this theme, coursing through the veins of life, and I’m too little to take it all in (because I sense you have to do it all at once or not at all), let alone understand it. I can only hear snatches of it, when I go out walking, when I fall alseep listening to the Narnia soundtrack and the rain mingling together in my head, when I lose myself in a story, when I watch the news, or when I sit in my bed with my journal in hand. The song doesn’t have a sound, and yet it does – it’s very complicated and yuppie, and a thing they don’t have words for. Maybe defining it would make it not as special. So I’m not going to attempt it any further.

I really hate the whole cell phone thing right now. I mean, I’m grateful I have one, but the people I wish would call me never do, and the ones I wish I could avoid never stop calling. I can hear my cell phone ringing right now as I type, and I don’t know whether I should answer it or not.

I didn’t. But I’m going to make the trek upstairs to see who it was.

Categories: Rants, Musings, And Other Unorganized Thoughts · The Process, The Progress

A refreshing change.

20 March, 2008 · 9 Comments

Sort of stupid…like things will change if I change the way my blog looks. but it’s very pretty, isn’t it!

 My mother and I were arguing about what “I think, therefore I am” implies. She says that Descartes meant that because he is aware of his existence, he exists. But I was saying how a tree doesn’t need to be concious of its existence to be a tree…and even though fish exist, they aren’t exactly aware of it. And it’s not as if when or if I ever stop believing in myself [as a human being] I would *POOF* out of the universe. I think Descartes is way in over his head – I mean, it’s really over the top to insinuate that anything that isn’t cognizant is only existing because it…is…, and that implying very lightly that the only organisms worth existing are the cognizant ones. How bogus and airheaded is that? Hey Aristotle Mr. Dead Guy! Obviously you weren’t thinking when you wrote this! Q.E.D. you do not exist! Burn’d, ancient scholar style!

*EDIT: k, k, read all the smart people’s comments. I’m not going to say anything smart on here anymore because I have a crack team of azns who descend upon every one of my posts and rip my babblings to shreds. XD love you guys but I mean, give me a break.*

 There’s a lot of drama going on between some of my friends right now, and amidst the tears and the stories and the phone calls it’s really hard to know what to say and when to say it and what and who to believe. I just wish there was a delete button in life, where you could go down a list of all the good and bad things that have happened to you, and delete all the bad ones. Buuuuut there isn’t, so I’m forced to put on my happy face and pretend everything’s okay for all the other people who care too much/too little. Sometimes all I can do is put off listening to the voicemails on my phone, sit down with a cuppa, and stare at the sky. Honestly, every time I take a break from life in general, even though it might only be like five minutes of peace, I keep thinking of Gandalf saying “It’s the deep breath before the plunge.” A false sense of security before the world starts falling apart again. And now that my cleverly pieced-together universe is crumbling in my hands, I’m glad I have the Bible to go to.

Oh haha this makes me think of something retarded I did lately. I was praying and I was kind of complaining because I haven’t heard God’s voice in a while, and I was wondering why and then I was like “…! oh yah! I haven’t cracked open a Bible in weeks.” I felt really stupid. and then I read some Psalms, which was nice because 1. It’s obvious how not-perfect David is, 2. he keeps crying out to hear God’s voice. I can TOTALLY relate.

And the neatest thing that came to mind was, here is this king thousands of years ago complaining and crying out to the same God who I’m complaining to now. The hands that held David are holding me now. Isn’t that rad?

Ok I really need to get off now.

Categories: Rants, Musings, And Other Unorganized Thoughts

Mountainsong (Chapter One)

19 March, 2008 · 1 Comment

Mountainsong

An Adaptation of “The Little Mermaid”

Copyright J.Rutter, blah blah blah 

 In the days when this world was young and all the creatures were newborn and wondering where to go, two humans fell in love and had many children. But although they loved each other, they fought so much that God Himself grew so bothered with His children that He stole their voices and gave them to some of the animals. Those humans could not speak anymore, and lost all forms of communication. Because the world was growing around them and the speaking humans ridiculed and hated them for being mute, the children fled to the mountains that held up the Eastern sky.

 

They climbed the mountains for many months until they came to a cave, in which they made their home. But human explorers discovered them, so they fled further and further into the cave until they were so deep in the mountain, and it was so dark, they could not see their hands in front of their faces. They stopped being able to recognize each other, and some became so mad they ran far away from the others, into the darkest corners of the mountain. But the remaining children grew up and had children of their own, and in a little time a great family of mute humans was formed. I am one of the great-great-great-grandchildren of those offspring.

 

Some other humans will say how there is no comfort to be had in cold and darkness, but that is because they know nothing. There is darkness, yes, but who is to say it is bad? It is a blanket, a mask that keeps beauty from being important. You cannot recognize people by touch or sight. We cannot speak, as I have said, And it is because of this that when our ancestors first came to the mountains, they began to listen harder to all the sounds around us. They listened for water, the tiniest drip-dripping in the background, listened for scurrying and scratching animals, listened to the beat of footsteps and hearts. They could understand each other by the quickening of breath if one was worried or excited, and the smallest drip of a tear did not escape their notice.

 

After our ancestors began listening for these, they realized there were many things we did not hear because we were not listening hard enough. So they listened to the darkness and heard whispers, heard whispers of those that had died long before in the depths of the mountains. They heard tendrils of silver and gold sing their shimmering songs, heard the water thrum in perfect syncopation (sp?) with their heartbeats. Were they connected to the mountain, they wondered? They wondered this for centuries, listening to the mountain for an answer.

 

And finally it gave them an answer – it let them listen to its song, the mountainsong. The mountain was a conduit, and yet an entity to itself. The song was very hard to understand. And to this day none of us understand the mountain’s song.

But our ancestors felt the mountain, touched its stones and pillars and walls, and understood that the mountain was like them, a creature that could sing without a voice.

So they knew that they, too, must have songs as well. So they listened to each other, and began understanding thought and emotion. They could not do this without the mountain as a guide, a conduit. They touched the mountain’s stone and could hear themselves in its song. They could hear their neighbors, hear young love budding like the strange underground plants they cared for, hear fears and wonders and desires and doom. They could not hide from each other, and everyone was exposed and began to understand good and evil. They formed laws and a government, and made my grandfather king of the mountain. He passed, and I became the daughter of a king.

 

My name is Essa, and I am dead.

Categories: Stories

Cheering up. A little.

16 March, 2008 · 1 Comment

The hardest thing to do is to believe.

It’s also what we were programmed to do, before we were even created. It’s a longing inside us all, and the more we go against it, the more it hurts us.

Sometimes the pain feels good. It sounds creepy to say, but reality is clear, fresh, and painfully satisfying.

So.

I’m trying to believe. It feels very weird.

But I’m trying, so help me God.

Categories: Uncategorized

TFK + crying myself to sleep last night + my journal = this.

11 March, 2008 · 3 Comments

Don’t listen to me.

I like tearing myself apart.

My complaints aren’t voiced to garner sympathy.

I just need to rip myself apart without anyone telling me I’m me or special or stupid or beautiful.

As long as everyone keeps lying to me

the only judge I can trust is myself.

Every time I tell myself how imperfect I am

it feels really good. Like by honesty I could be rescued.

They all lie. It doesn’t affect me whether they hate me or love me or appreciate me or want to kill me. I’ve grown numb to the world enough that hating myself has become my favorite habit, something I do to myself because my hatred is the only thing I can trust.

Don’t tell me you love me. Why bother?

I can’t hear you anymore, anyway.

Please give up on me.

It’s all I want.

Categories: Rants, Musings, And Other Unorganized Thoughts · The Process, The Progress

Untitled Novel – Available to friends and family Spring 2008!

9 March, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Most of yous know i’ve been writing a novel. here’s my teaser trailer for it, and as soon as i finish editing it in the next couple of weeks I’ll let you read it if you like…

The faeries in the other-dimensional land of Mambura face their doom – a revenge-seeking turncoat named Casimir seeks the destruction of their race and is achieving it by capturing and hypnotizing their own friends and families, then sending his mesmerized army against the Mamburians. The only way to break the enchantment is to kill its creator – Casimir – but each army’s attempt at his death grows more and more futile.

When two twelve-year-old humans are abruptly stolen away from their own planet and are brought to Mambura’s king, they have no idea what to expect. Elinor, kidnapped to be king’s only heir, and Ben, her best friend, both are eager to assume their new roles in the name of adventure.

But Ben and Elinor soon find themselves entangled in more than either could have imagined. Will they survive the many battles ahead or be captured and ordered to unconsciously kill their newfound friends? And what is their purpose in Mambura, anyway?

i know, cruddy verbs….it’s just a trailer, not the real thing!

Categories: Uncategorized

Christians are like zombies. Except that we’re, like, not as gross…

8 March, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Now THERE’S an analogy for you. Idk, i just though of it in the car. We’re dead but alive in Christ. He’s raised us from the dead.

I don’t know if that makes sense or not.

Categories: Rants, Musings, And Other Unorganized Thoughts

Confuzzlation!

5 March, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Friends and family (sadly none of my countrymen) have been supporting me in ways that I don’t like. They tell me things I need to hear but reeeaally don’t want to. It’s very hard to keep listening for my own good, instead of blocking them out and/or hurting them in various and preferrably violent ways.

**This is a good thing!**

I need it. I just don’t like it.

Categories: Uncategorized

Nothing in particular…

4 March, 2008 · 2 Comments

Ever heard of cogito, ergo sum? (I think, therefore I am) My version (latin geeks, help!) would be, “it rains, therefore, i walk.” The weather is AWESOME and i had the greatest time skipping around in puddles, listening to Plumb and waving at cars. I treasure those frightened looks, the creeped-out, eyebrow-raised, “who on earth?” looks. Freaking people out as entertainment is becoming one of my bad habits. *sigh*

Other than that, it’s been fun crafting my latest stories, playing God with my pitiful plots and thrusting my characters into cheesy and predictable situations. Writing is fun, especially when i admit to my own state of stinking at it….bah humbug. Still, ’tis better to say what little i have to say, then to never open my mouth at all.

Categories: Uncategorized

And how should I presume?/And how should I begin? –T.S. Eliot

1 March, 2008 · 1 Comment

I can’t say anything except everything…words from Paramore’s song “We Are Broken” come to mind: “my lips are dry/with words I can’t verbalize.” Maybe later words will come…

Categories: Uncategorized